


all the time in the world

by explicitwanderer_exe



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, M/M, Pain, Unrequited Love, basically mark lee is hurting, beautiful yuta, johnny is a jerk but also not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/explicitwanderer_exe/pseuds/explicitwanderer_exe
Summary: “Mark, are you watching? I’m at such a beautiful place with Johnny.”He woke up in a cold sweat again, breath ragged and head spinning. The room felt too cold for his racing heart, yet too hot for his freezing hands. For God’s sake.It’s been a year. A year since he lost everything he ever wanted out of life. Him. Mark Lee. An utterly broken, lost man who couldn’t ever go through a night without horrible dreams. Horrible dreams that he clutched onto so hard his knuckles paled whenever he glanced at them, his members’ pitying eyes a burden he felt at the back of his mind.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta, Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Kudos: 20





	1. Nights

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto. Loop: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ttYIKqxuSIgApjKhQO7xM?si=1qahKMRAS1yJ5GnMwuTU5A

_“Mark, are you watching? I’m at such a beautiful place with Johnny.”_

He woke up in a cold sweat again, breath ragged and head spinning. The room felt too cold for his racing heart, yet too hot for his freezing hands. _For God’s sake._

It’s been a year. A year since he lost everything he ever wanted out of life. Him. Mark Lee. An utterly broken, lost man who couldn’t ever go through a night without horrible dreams. Horrible dreams that he clutched onto so hard his knuckles paled whenever he glanced at them, his members’ pitying eyes a burden he felt at the back of his mind.

Maybe it was the familiarity. The knowing that none of his members would question him whenever he excused himself to the studio’s restroom, or when his panic attack came out of nowhere and he broke down like a baby. A helpless, weak baby. Tears would rush down his face, eyes blurry and unfocused. On those moments his body would shake so hard he’d feel the exhaustion deep within his bones.

Yet he couldn’t stop. Couldn’t tell himself to straighten up and be okay. Couldn’t even begin to think of others as his mind wandered to what could have been. What could have been his. What couldn’t have been his, but Mark would take anything over this pain he was forced to struggle through.

This time, too, he was alone. There was none of that soft voice humming in the dark, steady breaths fanning his chest as they hugged into blissful sleep. There were no bright, beautiful eyes looking up at him as he caressed the hand perching on his chest. Ever so warm, ever so forgiving upon Mark’s selfish heart that couldn’t stop beating for him.

Parts of him were lost that night.

One when he felt Yuta’s fingers adjusting his cap for him and saw the way he turned to greet Johnny with that eye smile of his. So radiant, blinding. Mark had to look away as Yuta let himself be guided away by Johnny’s palm on the small of his back.

“Mark, you’re not coming?” Johnny called out to him, causing Yuta to also look at him with a gentle expression.

Ah, that’s new. He typically wouldn’t get more than glances from the eldest whenever the three of them were together. It had always been Johnny, Johnny, and Johnny. “I forgot something in the practice room. You guys can go first. I’ll just take the next car with Taeyong-hyung.” Mark tried his hardest to keep the spite out of his voice.

Johnny was quick to nod. Of course he was. Mark would just ruin the mood between them, right? Late nights are always a sensitive time for Yuta, and Mark didn’t have the capability to accommodate that. Not better than Johnny anyway, since he was always the one Yuta called for even though Mark was right beside him in the car. And Johnny, the ever self-assured and grounded Johnny, would look back from his front seat at Yuta, a smile that Yuta so loved on his lips.

Apparently his eldest hyung agreed not too long after. “Okay. Don’t stay here until too late, Markie.”

_Ugh._ He hated the way his heartbeat jumped at the nickname. C’mon, Mark. Stop it. So he swallowed it down and nodded, watching as they walked to the front door towards the awaiting car.

Another one when he received the picture. Yuta’s pretty face smiling at him through the phone screen, an equally smiley Johnny by his side―on Mark’s seat. The way it hurt him in such a short time was something that Mark had never felt before, and that’s counting these years of pining after the older and having to be the one comforting him when Johnny decided to be a jerk and left with Jaehyun to fuck-knows-where after promising Yuta a date to a nearby restaurant.

A message followed when Mark didn’t respond immediately. He always responded to Yuta. Never a minute late.

_Are you still in the building with Yongie? I really hope you’ll go home soon. There’s a meal that auntie cooked for you this morning in the fridge. You forgot to eat breakfast again. I’ll scold you later! But head home soon, please. Xx. –Yutaa~_

Despite himself Mark left it on read. He turned to Taeyong and Taeil on his left, tuning in to their hushed conversation about next week’s plan. Yuta can wait.

Another one when he heard the news.

_A violent car crash happened on the highway near the exit to xx building complex just thirty minutes ago. A black SUV crashed on the road barrier due to brake failure. There were three victims, one of which passed away on the spot and the other two were rushed to the hospital after the impact of the crash. Until now we haven’t gotten the names of the victims yet, but we will get back to you as soon as we can._

Mark stood up, fingers quickly searching for Yuta’s number and dialing it without much thought.

No answer.

With dread he looked at Taeyong with something akin to pleading. Taeyong knew what he meant. He then called their managers and checked in on them while Taeil also tried calling Johnny. None of them wanted to even think of it, but they had to be sure. Mark tried again. Endlessly dialing Yuta’s number to which there was no response.

“Maybe Yuta-hyung was asleep. That had to be it.” He tried saying to Taeil who only nodded. He himself had no luck with Johnny’s number.

“For God’s sake. What’s going on, hyung?” Mark heard Taeyong’s frustrated remark.

Then, not a minute later Taeyong fell down from where he was standing earlier, the phone fell to his side with abandon. He looked up at Mark and cried first.

Mark sat down in front of him. “Hyung? What is it?”

“Yongie.” Taeil softly patted the back of his head to calm Taeyong down.

Yet another one when he rushed to the hospital.

Mind went blank as Taeyong shook beside him, trying his own best not to break down further. To _keep it together_ for the team. Taeil on the front seat calmly explained to Donghyuck to bring the rest of the members along to the hospital. They had to see for themselves. Had to be there when they woke up.

The managers advised them against it, because what they were about to see might just scar them for the rest of their lives, but Mark could care less. He would choose that as long as he could see his hyung. His beautiful hyung who was now lying unconscious on the surgery table.

In about an hour everyone was waiting anxiously in front of the rooms for any sign of survival. Inside those rooms were their two members, fighting for their lives. Out of the corners of his eyes he could see Taeil holding Hyuck as he sobbed, while Jaehyun wiped at Taeyong’s tears, whispering soft words to him. Doyoung held hands with Jungwoo while they both sat together, being ones of the few that managed to convince themselves of the better outcome.

Mark knew it hurt all of them to think of the worst possibility, and nothing their managers said would ever make a dent in their fear. For Christ’s sake Mark even promised to himself to leave Yuta be with Johnny even if it hurt him. Anything. He’d give anything as long as he could see them again.

He lost one final part of him, a big one, when the surgeon from Yuta’s room offered them an empathetic gaze while saying, “I’m really sorry. We did everything we could.”

Everything was a blur afterwards. Mark couldn’t remember whether he slid down to the floor and sobbed, or whether he suddenly charged ahead, trying to get into the room to see his hyung _one more time_.

_He couldn’t remember anything._


	2. Memorabilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2flGVwFYpoKka6xmdW4Uoy?si=AleVW1p5R2eZ635QXseV-g

It took him months to finally enter the room.

It still faintly smelled of Yuta’s deep, yet flowery perfume and his clean cotton bedsheets. His books still lined up the wall perfectly, small notes littering the desk where he used to sit down and pour his thoughts out for hours on end. His hyung loved writing, and he was so good at it. Then Mark, being a good little brother that he was to Yuta, would inhabit his bed and listened to him talk almost nonstop.

 _I’m so pathetic._ Mark repeated to himself for what could’ve been a hundredth time that day. He also pushed himself to do this. The other members wouldn’t bother with entering Yuta or Johnny’s rooms after that day. The members who used to room with them moved out because it was _too much_. Then those parts of the dorms that were theirs had become mere skeletons of who their owners were. Robust with their memories but vacant in the wake of their very sudden departure.

Nowadays none of them would look at each other in the eyes and said that they were sad. It had been months after all. There are interviews to attend, music videos to film, and fans to placate and reassure. They had also been receiving lots and lots of warm words that some days would feel like a thick blanket enveloping Mark, warming him from the inside out and suffocating him all the same.

 _Nothing_ they ever said would make a difference to this hollowness inside Mark that refused to go away. Maybe that’s why Mark was here in the first place. In this room that was kept clean and maintained by Auntie, the ever kind woman she is. The carpet underneath his feet was soft, all drenched in memories and as white as the way Yuta made him feel when they finally kissed.

-

_“Come here.”_

_Yuta was smiling secretively again, making the back of his spine tingle pleasantly. So Mark complied quickly, moving in front of Yuta on the carpet. Before he could process it he was pushed to sit and his lap is full of a grinning Yuta, his palms instinctively moved to steady the older by the waist._

_“Hyung?” That’s when he caught the whiff of alcohol from Yuta’s breaths._ He’s been drinking again. _“What happened?”_

_At that, Yuta pouted cutely, trying to think through his hazy brains. “Nothing happened.” That was such a blatant lie if Mark ever heard one. Something definitely happened during the three hours when Yuta went out with Johnny earlier._

_“Can I kiss you, Markie?”_

_His own mind blanked out in that moment, and he wasn't even drunk. But then again Mark guessed he could easily get high off of Yuta’s presence alone. It’s not like Mark had never thought of it, after all, kissing Yuta while holding him, having Yuta pliant and accepting of all that Mark is feeling for him. Such a selfish thought. Very selfish of Mark, right?_

_“Yes.”_

_Their bodies moved on autopilot afterwards, feeling and enveloping each other as if there wouldn't be any regrets that rise as they woke up in the morning._

_There weren’t. But if there were, Yuta didn’t voice them out. He… glossed over them instead, while Mark felt like he’s back on square one and a few steps more, mentally berating himself for giving in to his selfish desires and let himself be fooled by a brokenhearted Yuta. As the days went on Mark found himself less inside Yuta’s room and more at his arm’s length, having to watch the older cave in and deal with his own pain alone._

_It seemed like punching Johnny would do more good to his own ego than to Yuta’s wellbeing these days, so Mark stayed put and waited for a chance to be let inside Yuta’s space again like a good pet that he is. It’s what he is, right? Being called and dotted on when his owner is in a good mood, and rejected when he upsets him, except that Mark can't just easily walk into the room like a dog or a cat. He had a conscience, still, and maybe it’s what should have guided him through that night a week ago instead of his stupid feelings for Yuta._

_-_

His eyes were naturally drawn to the notebook sitting neatly in the middle of Yuta’s desk. Auntie had refused to touch or move anything from this area, because she felt like it was disrespectful, and that it wasn’t her place to touch something so personal to Yuta. But Mark was different, right? He was close to Yuta, knew his thoughts well, and would probably be allowed to touch Yuta’s belongings. Right? At least that’s what Mark told himself when he finally decided to reach out to the plain, soft yellow book in front of him, neatly sitting by itself. Yuta kept a lot of notebooks around and switched them one by one as the pages ran out, so Mark guessed this was his most recent one, as Auntie said that there were others on the bookshelf.

Mark didn’t dare to check those ones out, deciding to start small, retracing what Yuta had been feeling _lately._ So he sat down on the carpet instead of the chair, his back leaning on the side of the bed, afraid of disturbing his hyung’s place―his memorabilia, even for a little.

-

_January 1 st, 2020_

_Happy New Year, my dear Yuta. It’s been a very tough decade. But hopefully this year brings more joy to everyone. You have worked your hardest last year, let’s do even more now that the new year is waiting. Fighting, us!_

_March 23 rd, 2020_

_I haven’t been feeling well these days. Practice is going as usual. Yongie is still acting like everyone’s mom and I can tell that he’s very tired. Same goes with Johnny, trying to keep the wild kids from going too wild. He loves Hyuckie the most, I think. It’s so heartwarming to see. I wish I could say the same for me though. Nowadays he seems to always be busy, whether it’s for promotion or for his ‘personal time’ that everyone seems to know about except for me. Hah, I guess I’m still nowhere as close as I want to be with him. But it’s okay, we still have a lifetime to figure it out, right? Just a bit more, Yuta, keep going._

_-_

Mark had to stop there. He remembered this time very vividly. Yuta had never been more open to invitation than he was in March. Mark knew there was something more behind it, but he took it gratefully as a chance to take his hyung out more. They had gone to Han River, to the restaurants all over Seoul, even to that one earring store that Yuta loved so much. Mark himself was never a big fan of piercings, but he’d go there every day if Yuta asked. No doubt.

His hyung had even let him choose the tiny cross earring for him, and had even worn it for long afterwards. Mark smiled.

-

_August 2, 2020_

_Why is Mark growing up really fast? I feel like if I let him be, he’ll outgrow me by tenfold at the end of 2020 alone. But on a side note, I’m more than proud of him. He’s working so hard that sometimes I wish he would slow down. Heh. Look who’s talking. It’s Yuta who had to be dragged home with the promise of late breakfast and coffee with Johnny last week. My thighs still hurt a lot, and so are my other parts. The bruises are still here too, but I don’t want them to fade! Also, happy birthday, my beloved little brother. I’m sorry for making everything weird between us lately. I’ll fix it soon, I promise._

_-_

The way he could barely swallow the lump in his throat should be alarming, but now he knew that Yuta was at the very least sorry about the way things turned out for them. Or maybe it was because he finally made up with Johnny that he felt secure enough to finally set things straight with Mark? Either way, he should probably have been nicer to Johnny for sending Yuta in his way, although not directly. It was horrible enough to know that he was nothing but a coping mechanism for Yuta whenever Johnny decided he wanted nothing more with him, but it was worse how in that one night, Yuta made it clear to him that he would never, ever set eyes on Mark unless he was drunk and utterly hollow inside. Kissing him too?

Yes, Mark was also to blame for accepting it, but he was too weak and tired, and it felt _right_ as his hyung settled on his lap and hugging him close.

Sometimes he wondered if it was how Yuta felt with Johnny as well. If it felt _right._ Like it’s meant to happen and was only waiting for the moment to occur.

Hell. Mark wondered if it felt right for _Yuta_ the way it did for Mark. Guess he’d never know now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double post for the first time. Let me know what you think in the comment!

**Author's Note:**

> In the spirit of the new Relay Cam with 23 members, I started rewatching the old ones, and this just... sort of happened. Trust me, I hate myself for hurting y'all just as much as you'll probably hate me when this is progressing further :')


End file.
